If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
