so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize