We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
