Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Randomize
