She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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