Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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