She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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