wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize