He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Just high enough for therapy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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