Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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