My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Couch. On fire.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
