Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
