Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
