this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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