i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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