Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
