sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
