I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
