i jhust puked up my retainher.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
