If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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