im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
