i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
