and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
