He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
