Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Randomize
