ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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