i permit you to call me
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
