he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
