My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
