six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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