Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
