i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
