i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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