I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
