hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Randomize
