Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Text me some of your sweat
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