WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize
