Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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