i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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