theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
