so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
