after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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