Betty ford says i'm here all night
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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