A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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