I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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