omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
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