Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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