OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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