note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
