I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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