i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
