not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
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