Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
