just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
