We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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