two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
