You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
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