she was so not down for the gang bang
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
