so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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