What a fucking waste of an outfit
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
