I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
