he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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