sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
