The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
worst night to have a conscience
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
