Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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