Only a mothe r could love this liver
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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