she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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