I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I bet he comes in French.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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